欲言又止

曾經，文字是我最好的朋友；如今，它與我之間越行越遠。開心、難過，我都再也無法用文字來表達。每一篇文章，提了筆，卻不曉得該怎麼繼續。是詞窮了嗎？是感覺不再了嗎？

步步難

我說

去亦難 留亦難 怎麼難

走出這一步

踏出去 就再也沒有回頭路

前途 錢途 茫茫前路

沒有付出 哪來收成

付出的代價 就是要捨得

所有事情 有捨才有得

只是。。。

这，就是人生!

过去的1.5年内，经历了太多太多的变化。一次又一次的喪亲之痛，令早已把内心封闭的我，更为与世隔绝。

这些日子以来，我都是选择沉默，然而，缄默并不代表我不痛。我不说，因为太明白即使说了，又有多少人会懂? 最痛的，都经已体验了，对我而言，人生中，没有什么是过不去了。生命实在太脆弱，而我们总习惯性地说'等一下',可有时候，'等一下'会化成'来不及'，'来不及' 就只能空留遗憾。

2013年的夏天，那一场令我招架不住的转变，全赖宗教信仰的寄托，才能一步步的走出阴霾。有再多的遗憾，有多痛，有多伤。。。也无能为力挽回些什么，再多的不舍，也只能放手。就只有放手，才能继续往前走。

年初，再一次见证人生无常，手机里再多一个永远无法拨通的电话号码。

最近的夏天，另一场诀别，我已经无言以对。生老病死，这就是人生，然而，有些人并没有真正地老去，却病了，走了。今世缘分尽了，若真有另一空间的存在，那就只能期待将来的哪一天，那一天再见。

恩怨情仇，在那一刻，一切都灰飞烟灭。因果循环，谁欠了谁的债，在那一刻，这一生，就到此为止了。还未偿还的，就由上天安排，是否来生再续吧。

有些记忆，不需要刻意去惦记，却永远也不会忘记。不刻意去想起，不刻意去提起，因为伤口还是会痛，泪还是会流，心依旧不舍。

时间，是疗伤的良药，这是真的。它能平复伤痛，却不会冲淡记忆。我还记得过去，那一段最美的成长岁月。我不曾忘记，那快乐的童年。成长，最悲哀的是，看着身边的长辈渐渐老去/离去，却无能为力去停住时间的脚步。这，就是人生。

Interview

Among all the interviews that I had attended, the one impressed me the most was the job offered by Astro.
Stepped in the Astro lobby, I could feel am one step closer to the unrealistic dream. That interview was different if compared with those bank, factory interviews. I was  encouraged to share about life stories, my dreams... It was an extremely unforgettable experience. And i could really felt the enthusiasm of the staffs.

Though it happened 2 years ago, but am still wondering did i make a rational desicion.
It was really uneasy for me to let go the chance. It was rather hard for me to reject the opportunity. They gave me five days to make consideration. 'Yes' or 'No', I was the one who telling them, the one making final decision.

However, I didn't grab it, I chose to stay instead of going there based on some reasons.

Do I regret? No, not regret, just pain.

浪漫的事

同事告半天假返家顾孩子，两句钟后，丈夫来电询问。她，没有返家，拨她手机十多次，接通了却没有回应。丈夫着急不已。挂上电话，同事纷纷拨电寻找她的下落。却徒劳无功。
丈夫又来电，要求到停车场查看她的车子是否仍停在那儿。有人目睹她开车离去，丈夫更加失措了。
丈夫再来电，说要报警。同事阻止，才失踪两小时，案件哪受理？要丈夫等待到五时。丈夫说：“再等待，她可能被卖到泰国了。”
一阵风波后，她来电，原来她到发廊弄头发，而手机不晓得掉到哪儿，因此没有回答。事件告一段落。

一丝甜蜜温暖的感觉涌上心头，爱情哪儿需要奢侈的玫瑰、无谓的甜言蜜语。像同事丈夫这般真情流露，大家都感受到那份爱意和在乎。她是幸福的女人，豪宅名车，再加上丈夫那深深的爱，夫复何求？多少女生会有这样的福气呢？耐心等待吧。

要简单

我，很简单，很简单。
衣着，简单得令人惊悚；打扮，简单得令人惊吓。
不随波逐流，不懂高尚，不识名牌。。。从来，都觉得自己是小家碧玉，大家闺秀，与我扯不上关系。
人，是是非的滋生者。看见别人不比己好，就多踩几脚；看见别人比己好，就加盐添醋，把对方的名声弄糟。。。
无谓的人言，人言可畏，使生活变得不简单。勾心斗角，累加累。
不爱名牌，请不要逼自己去欣赏，假时尚。名牌对我而言，称不上什么，纯碎为了跟上潮流，纯碎为了向外人炫耀，何必呢？
我，童心未泯吧。收到一只翻版愤怒鸟，我的笑容会灿烂过收到任何一份昂贵的礼物。这，是幼稚，但，不是比较踏实吗？
赤子之心，是难能可贵的。也许无法融入这大染缸，可是人不是常说，简单就是快乐吗？反正无法控制旁人的言论，我行我素，我简单，我快乐，就好了。

1st Step In My Dream House

Finally, visited the 3.5 mil fully furnished super condo. End up with a bit disappointment. Not b'cause m just able to see but not afford to buy, that's definitely...
It's b'cause the house not as spacious as I thought, the furnishing could be better and the sea view... Something not right.

Imagination is always more beautiful than the reality.

Each unit per floor, private pool and garden, total 29 units and only 2 units available now.
As per the sales executive, just 1 unit sold to foreigner, the rest bought by local millionaires. Woah, there're a lot of rich people here.
Hmm... For me, work for life and just able to get this 5,025 sqft condo in my dream. That's why it's so called Dream House.

Studying ... I'm Lazy

Boss expected me to handle few tasks at once.. Excuse me Sir, I just have 1 brain 2 hands and the salary is so unattractive... Where got motivation to work?

Exam will be held in next 2 week. Actually this exam is nothing important. The documents checking limit is based on the next exam... but... I still hope can at least get 70% to pass this test. Otherwise, boss's face will turn ashen.

I can't study. Yet to finish the questions given. People's explanation can't 100% clear my doubt. I got so many things not understand and I lazy to study!

What to do? What to do!

快乐于何方？

今晚，思绪依然停留在N年前的。。。如何令自己快乐？

为自己弄人生第一枚特制的钻石吊坠，会快乐吗？

Carat weight: 0.31, Clarity: VS–1, Colour: E (colouless), Cut: Excellent。。。

听着一大堆专业名词，没兴趣。

钻石昂贵，快乐似乎更昂贵;上等钻石难求，但快乐似乎更难求。

快乐吗？

快乐是什么？可以用钱衡量吗？是昂贵或廉宜呢？

快乐，可以是免费，可以很简单，就像今早上班前，看见天边划过一道浅浅的彩虹，我笑了。那是自然的表情，并不是为了讨好而伪装的笑脸。

一打，两打玫瑰，LV，Longchamp，Burberry…包包，H&M，GAP，Armani，Gucci，Chanel…服饰，Park Royal，32 @ The Mansion，Rendezvous，The Ship…晚餐，这一切都能让人快乐吗？微笑，是一种礼貌，却不表示乐在其中。

对于不自我了解的人而言，根本不懂得自己追求的是什么形式的快乐。

有则惜福，无则知足，快乐，也许就在弹指间。

Sawatdee Kha!

Tried to speak some Thai words... arrghh...

Yup, just afford to speak few words ONLY.
Wonder how did I manage to get an "A" in the Thai language exam during university?? I’ve returned all the knowledge to my teacher, maybe once after the exam :o))
Such a lousy student huh?!

Not My Fault

There was 1 mistake occured today but it ain't my fault at all. I shouldn't be the scapegoat.
I tried to protest my innocence. Manager asked me to get the proof. I tried hard and eventually I found it, then how? It was still considered as my mistake. This is the real working world, aint it?
I know my reasons were not firm enough... I kept saying "I don't know...", " I thought...", " I heard from senior...", " I follow the instruction..." All these reasons seemed like excuses. Ya, my senior asked me to do in that way but the manager won't blame her. He just will blame the one who do the mistake, not the one showing the way to do the mistake. I simply can't take it!
The cruelty of the workplace. When boss said you're wrong. You're wrong 'cause boss is always the right one. When boss said you have other choices besides following his instruction. You're actually no choice 'cause the only choice is don't work under your boss anymore.

这么近，那么远

一切又要回到原点
一趟旅程，一次铭心的经验
对梦的眷恋
想象，若隐若现
惆怅，更加明显

是否只要走过历练
梦，就会实现？
一声“不”的回应
梦醒时分的明天
又会有什么体验？

人啊，不应该过一天算一天
关键是：
准备好了吗？
能搁下顾虑吗？
够勇敢吗？
够坚强吗？
不后悔吗？

一小时廿分钟的时间
差一步，就是全新的开始
转变就在眼前
感性的想，是这么的近
理性的想，是那么的远
。。。。。。。。。。。。
无言

Too Careless!

Today suppose be a relaxing day though the job volume is high, there was no special or weird case. However I made an mistake and spoiled the day.
I wonder what would happen tomorrow? Could the KL team assists me without blaming? Would Thailand team treat it as nothing? What explanation could I give if being escalated??
Seniors could do nothing to save this situation but I'm grateful that they didn't blame on me. They tried to console me not to be worry and don't fail to fall in sleep tonight.
This is not the first time I made such huge mistake. Last time didn't get scolded by seniors and this time, either. However I felt extremely guilty for this latest mistake. It could be prevented and it could be solved without being carried forward. The situation suppose won't be too bad... But I let mistake bred mistake. My irresponsibility made it became worse.
Stupidity might be acceptable but negligence will never be forgivable. Take this lesson and never repeat! Every mistake just made it once, ENOUGH. I might not a smart girl and the level of intelligence is out of my control. But at least there's one thing I can do, which is stop being careless.

A Trial

Irrational decision, irrational decision, I made an irrational decision. How?
Am feeling guilty but I still made it. Waste time (not only mine), waste energy and waste money... And if the real purpose of my decision is being disclosed, woah, I couldn't imagine how terrible is the outcome.
Don't know what to wish myself. Good luck. For what? Whatever the results is, there's only 1 conclusion which I've already made.
I know I did wrong. What am doing just to satisfy my caprice.
Whatsoever. Just take it as a trial, just treat it as an experience, once in a lifetime.
"Grab a chance and you won't be sorry for a might-have-been."

Shhh... Can't let those I drag in trouble to reveal my intention. :-P

Reading Is For Pleasure, Not Pressure

Hmm... I think I became a spendthrift. I enjoy buying books......and keep them in my bookshelves to display.
Few months ago, I bought 3 books - , "Letters To Sam", "The Lovely Bones" and "10 Simple Truths That Will Set You Free Your Mind". I completed the 1st one within few days, the others yet to finish and I wonder could I finish it within this year?
Today I went to BORDERS and planned to buy 2 books - "I Think, Therefore I Laugh" and "Death Benefits". Unfortunately both of them out of stock and have to wait about 2 months if wanna make an order. I didn't order them... However, I like the services provided by that shop assistant. She was so helpful and so nice. She thought I'm a Psychology student since I search for such kinda books. :=)
Finally I bought a Chinese book from Popular "幸福就像狗尾巴 The Tales Of Bliss". Will those 55 different stories sharing in the book inspire me? Actually I always understood the principle of the reality but I just failed to carry out practically.
I believe am able to finish reading this new book within this weekend. The next book I gonna complete is.......

想要。不能要

有一些东西，很想要，可当你有机会要的时候，就会发现到自己究竟能不能够要？可不可以要？应不应该要？
理想，看见了，却无法伸手将它握住。理想，不可思议地出现一线曙光，但感觉上却是那么的遥不可及，那种距离甚至是相较之前眼前一片漆黑时，更为遥远。因为那时候完全看不见方向，可以有好多想象，而如今看见了方向，也认清了现实，承认走不进那一个未来，连想象都随即烟消云散。
想要勇敢地去闯，想去看世界的模样。那一刻，梦想真的很靠近，只要点一点头，也许一切就会不一样。可惜，惊喜没有蒙蔽理智，与此同时，仍然清楚眼前的路有太多荆棘，而会被沿途荆棘所伤的不只是追梦之人而已，是包括此人最亲的家人。牵挂，是一种牵绊，一种从来没有对错的负担。
从来不曾真正分析“想要”和“能够要”之间的差距，自以为是“能够要”是只要别人给予机会，就理所当然的能够接受。直到机会降临，才唤醒梦中人，看清现实并不如想象般简单，有些东西，不是说你想要，别人愿意给，你就可以心无旁骛地接受。有些梦的重量，是某些人提不起的。
曾听说：要或不要，决定权在于你自己。其实，并不然。有些事情是无法割舍、有些人是放不下的，“鱼与熊掌是不可兼得”。现实和梦想往往是背道而驰，现实中有太多顾虑，通往梦想的旅途是要经历很多的舍弃。“创造机会的人是天才；把握机会的人是庸才；放弃机会的人是蠢材”。当不上天才是理所当然，可至少会是庸才，却偏偏还是继续当蠢材。
不清醒下做的决定，被一通意料之外的电话惊醒，做了异常清醒下的选择。。。这会是将来人生中很深很深的遗憾吗？
握着手上的资料，无言以对。若回答一句“I can make it”是如此心虚；若回答一句“I can't make it”，是如此沉重。又再想起那一句“人生几何，好不容易遇上这样的年代，赶快来为自己做一些事情，”做一些事情？能做些什么事情？机会遇上了，不怕吃苦，却怕牵连旁人一起吃苦。
冲动是恶魔，是私心，不停地说“想要、我要！”理智是天使，是道德，重复地说“不能要、不应该要！”开不了口，还是得压抑心痛、强忍泪水地说：我不要！我做不到！

一个人的办公室

这个周六的办公室很安静，庞大的空间就只有我一人。那种感觉嘛，很宁静，很适合沉淀在这儿工作三个月以来的情绪。
从落地窗户看出去，就是瞭望无际的的大海，这是我在平日无暇也无心好好欣赏的景色。
我很喜欢目前的座位，犹如一位同事所言：远离是非、与世无争的好位置。
可惜啊，即将迁移到新的位置了。愿风水还是一样好吧！

Tiresome Saturday

I think I'm gonna to become ill soon.
This morning before gone to the office, my mind was sunny. After sitting in front of the computer looking at the reports... Dizzy+dizzy+dizzy! Almost collapse in the restroom.
I wondered was it 'cause I lack of sleep? During weekdays I couldn't sleep tight and nearly skipped lunch everyday... My weight has been decreased. Good news huh? Yup, it's the only good news for me right now but when I looked at my face... Become pale day after day. First time, feel a bit heartache about myself.

转载

前天，在某报章读到一篇对我而言很有意思的文章。题目是《有一种爱情叫宁缺勿滥》。

世界上有种爱情叫“宁缺勿滥”。这种爱情不一定100%完美。
对爱情宁缺勿滥的人也不一定有多优秀、多挑剔，他们只是在等待相遇，遇见那个他们要遇见的人，相爱并且适合的人。
他们要找的也未必是优秀、大家眼中100%的完美情人。
尽管现在的社会已经不流行宁缺勿滥，而是宁滥勿缺，骑牛找马的男女满街都有；但某处角落里，依然有人坚守宁缺勿滥的爱情。
或许你替他们常错过美好时光而可惜；也认为他们就像故事中的小和尚采玉蜀黍那样，走过了没有回头路。
宁缺勿滥的人不是稀罕他们在农庄里有没有采到玉蜀黍，他们要的玉蜀黍没有出现，其他再大再美再甜的玉蜀黍也不能让他们动心。
你可以说他们滥清高，别人永远无法体会他们对宁缺勿滥的坚持，他们希望自己的每一段情都是自己刻骨铭心的回忆，更会因为要寻找一份真爱而执著和等待，哪怕是用一生。
他们坚持爱情，宁缺勿滥。因为一个人寂寞，好过两个人的烦恼。
特别是女人，宁缺勿滥，爱情路上跌少点，伤轻点。
成为“剩女”并不可怕，可怕的是女人因为與论压力害怕孤独终老，而忙慌慌把自己嫁出去，以为如此一来便一了百了无后顾之忧了，殊不知，却是为今后的生活埋下“痛苦”的隐患。
恋爱、结婚、生儿育女，真的是女人应该经历的人生过程吗？很多女人为了“完成”而去“履行”这样的人生。
人人爱说，没有鱼，虾也好，然而，很多时候我们看到的，没有鱼，虾也不见得好。
宁缺勿滥到底，说不定最后龙虾会出现。

龙虾岂会那么容易遇见和拥有呢？天时、地利、人和，才能遇见自己认为对的人吧。感觉对了，面包和爱情兼具了，就是所谓的幸福吗？